Day ninety four: female pattern baldness

I really get a kick out of old gals that come in to (insert real name here). It doesn't matter if I've served them before I know every single time they're gonna get the same chicken salad and a glass of water with a lemon wedge. God forbid I forget the lemon wedge. Actually, to be fair, most times they never notice the missing lemon wedge and I end up looking like a hero when I remember I forgot and bring them a plate of several lemon wedges. 

And as predictable as their order, most times when these ladies get together for lunch they talk about the latest episode of Dr. Oz. I don’t know what it is about old ladies and Dr. Oz but they take everything he says as gospel.

One of those gals complimented my hair today which was a heaping mess on the top of my head. At first I thought she was being sarcastic but she kept asking me question about it 

If there's one thing I love doing it's talking about myself so I was more than happy to explain that my hair is really long and curly so most of the time I tie it up into said big ol' mess because I don't have the time between my two jobs to straighten it as much as I used to. 

That's when she got concerned. Dr. Oz said that girls who straighten their hair have a higher chance of heavy onset female pattern baldness than those who don't. What?! 

There are three things that terrify me:

1. Moths and/or butterflies
2. Fresh water sharks lurking in Manitoban lakes 
3. Female pattern baldness

When I was 15 my little cousins came from Vancouver for a visit with my grandfather and they brought a case of lice with them. My mom had to go through my hair with a delousing comb and medicated shampoo while my pops thought it would be hilarious to tell me the only way to get rid of them was to shave my head. 

I burst into tears.

I was so traumatized that my head was being checked for bugs and that my mom had to phone my best friend's parents and fill them in on the situation because she and I had just had a sleepover. I was devastated and thought my life was over so naturally and sort of logic had eluded me and I believed my dad. I was already emotional to begin with so the harder I cried the harder they laughed. I've got a big head and the thought of being bald was and still is devastating.

Female pattern baldness?! From straightening my hair?! This guy is one of Oprah's shining stars so obviously this information was legit. 

The lady then offered me some solace when she told me to do what her granddaughters do and straighten my coif with a flat iron. Apparently Dr. Oz was talking about girls who use heavy duty chemicals. Crisis averted. No hair loss for this gal.